How to Tell if Your Girlfriend Wants to Have a Baby
Dear Therapist: My Girlfriend and I Are at a Crossroads in Our Human relationship
She wants to start a family at present, but I don't desire to make a decision based on her biological timeline.
Editor's Notation: Every Monday, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers about their problems, big and small. Take a question? Email her at beloved.therapist@theatlantic.com.
Dear Therapist,
I have been seeing my girlfriend for a year and four months. We got together quickly, at a tumultuous time. Six months earlier, I'd left an abusive relationship, and my ex, who did not take information technology well, was in our lives for a while. That has all died down, and I have been really enjoying getting to know my girlfriend and meeting her family and friends.
The issue is that she is 38 years quondam and wants to first a family correct now. I am 34 and not sure. She has ever made it perfectly clear that she wants to take children. I, however, had always been unsure of how a family unit would happen for me, a gay woman who for many years wasn't in a good for you long-term relationship. I had, to a certain extent, made peace with not being a parent, and getting into this relationship has been a bit of an Oh, this is now a possibility moment.
It just feels similar a huge decision, completely life-altering, and one I don't want to rush. But I know I'g an incredibly indecisive person. I tend to weigh my options and go over them once again and again. I understand how of import having kids is to my girlfriend, but I feel like I can't decide based on her biological timeline. I worry that a forced conclusion could lead to resentment down the line, but I too don't want to lose her—and I probably will.
I've asked her for time, just she's worried that waiting any longer volition diminish her chances of having a biological child, especially because she could wait a long fourth dimension and I could still be in the same identify of not knowing. She has said that she would consider adoption but would like to effort to have her own child first.
I experience like a terrible communicator; in heated situations, I say the wrong things or mollusk up and observe information technology hard to get my points across. Any assistance yous tin offer would be greatly appreciated.
Anonymous
Liverpool
Dear Anonymous,
The decision well-nigh whether to have kids is ane of the few truly irreversible decisions in life, so I understand why you'd desire to take time to think about it. But I wonder if instead of focusing on answering the practice-I-don't-I question (and getting nowhere with it), you can consider your state of affairs more than broadly.
Let's beginning by going back to what happened when you two became a couple. You had recently gotten out of a difficult human relationship that didn't end well, and information technology sounds similar the shadow of your ex loomed over the offset of your current relationship. Fifty-fifty so, y'all were enjoying the experience of a healthier relationship, role of which included open up communication, at least on your girlfriend'south part: She told you up front that she definitely wanted to have children. I imagine that when yous heard this, you experienced a combination of excitement (Hmm, maybe having a family in a stable human relationship would be overnice one solar day), anxiety (Holy crap, being a parent? Me?), and abandonment terror (If I share how I really feel, my girlfriend will leave me).
In other words, y'all felt ambiguity, and it sounds like you have shared that with her. Simply there are many ways to express ambivalence, ranging from "I'm not positive, but I'g pretty sure I'll desire kids" to "I'grand not sure, and it may take me a few years to figure this out" to "I'm not sure, but I've just come to a identify where I was at peace with non having kids, and right at present I don't call up that's likely to change."
Those are very different flavors of ambiguity, and this might be where your advice has gotten tripped up. For case, your girlfriend probably wouldn't accept pursued a relationship with you if, when yous met, you'd told her in a straightforward way that you don't know how you experience about having children and couldn't imagine making this determination in the near future.
And then where does that leave yous? Well, the goal right now isn't to make a decision before you're set (and you're non). The goal is to learn how to be a practiced partner and have a healthy relationship, fifty-fifty if this item relationship might end. And this means two things: (1) gaining a better understanding of your ambivalence (and your indecisiveness more generally), and (2) learning how to communicate in a more straight way.
Someone can exist stuck in ambivalence well-nigh having kids for a variety of reasons. Sometimes people who had troubled relationships with their parents growing upward are afraid of repeating those patterns, worried that they won't know how to give their children something that they themselves didn't get. For those whose zipper needs weren't met, the idea of being responsible for a child can as well trigger resentment that goes something like: I still haven't gotten my own needs met, and then the last thing I desire to exercise is sacrifice my needs for someone else. Other people may have seen friends' relationships suffer once they had children, and are afraid of losing the connexion they currently have with their partner. Many people also hesitate to have kids because of the financial and professional person adjustments that might be required. A therapist can aid y'all to explore what's going on for y'all, which in plow will assistance you know what you want.
A therapist tin can also aid you lot learn to communicate more effectively, and you tin can offset past having a chat with your girlfriend that goes something like this: "I know you want to take a child correct abroad, and I desire y'all to have the opportunity to do this before it'southward also late. I beloved you very much, but I'thou non ready to make that decision yet, and I don't imagine being ready anytime soon. I've decided to see a therapist to help me empathize more than almost why this decision has been and then difficult for me and to become more clarity on what I really want. I also struggle sometimes to tell you how I really feel, and I want to work on that too. But all of this might take a very long time, and I want to be articulate with yous about that. Can we talk about where this leaves u.s.a. as a couple?"
There are various possibilities here. Your girlfriend might want to try to become pregnant now—and stay in the relationship with you, knowing that yous are on lath as her girlfriend only, not as a co-parent. You, of course, would take to exist interested in dating a adult female who's about to go a female parent, and then in dating the mother of a young child—but again, not (at least initially) as a co-parent. Alternatively, your girlfriend might make up one's mind that she wants a partner who'due south eager to raise a child with her, and that whether she'due south significant or non, staying with yous will prevent her from meeting a more than compatible partner. Or your girlfriend might choose to be with you no matter what, knowing full well that she'll be putting herself at risk of never having a biological child. Whatsoever the event, at least there won't exist any doubt as to where you lot both are on this issue.
Now is a expert time to enlist a therapist'due south assistance, because if you do ultimately get a family unit together, the self-sensation you'll gain will give you a much stronger foundation to weather the challenges of raising kids. And if you split up now, y'all'll go into your side by side relationship with the conviction to have an honest, forthright conversation early on about where you lot both stand up on the kid question, something most people dating in their 30s are thinking about when choosing a partner. Either way, you'll know your heart and mind meliorate than you do now, and that will serve you well in whatever relationship you choose.
Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or handling. Always seek the advice of your md, mental-wellness professional, or other qualified health provider with whatsoever questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Past submitting a letter, you are agreeing to allow The Atlantic use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.
Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/12/my-girlfriend-wants-children-but-im-not-sure-i-do/602791/
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